genocidercyo: clockey: you’re the window to my wall you’re the sweat that drips down my balls
tyleroakley: hoelita: female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away I think I might be a female sloth.
sweeneytad: *dentist slaughters family in front of you* they’re bleeding because you don’t floss
thernardier: “you wanna see my breasts” i say seductively to my boyfriend. i unbutton my shirt to reveal two large, succulent cuts of meat. i am a chicken. why do i have a boyfriend. why am i wearing clothes
youknownothing-ouiserboudreaux: I just saw someone refer to a nap as “horizontal life pausing” and I am adopting this immediately.
So there's only one channel in this motel,
robbidybobbin: madeofmetals: This morning while I was getting ready I was watching Sesame Street. They were doing this bit where some clown was trying to wash his hands but kept washing his feet or his elbows and Elmo would go, “no mister noodle, your HANDS!” and all the tv kids would laugh. Around the fourth or fifth time he couldn’t find his hands, I heard a grown man yell from somewhere...
asap-tran: really-shit: If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you. fuck
synchronoise-ity: Calling it now Chef Ramsey is going to be the 12th Doctor “get in the fucking tardis GOD” “this planet is disgusting; bland, wet. it’s embarrassing” doctor, where are we? “in the shit.”
spookthempolitely: when i first got my tumblr i was a huge fucking dork and i enabled that thing that puts your tumblr posts on your facebook but then i forgot that i did that and reblogged a post that said “reblog if your dick is as big as the universe” and my mom was like “oh my” and my great uncle saw it and commented “that’s my girl” and i have never been so done in my life
Sext: I kiss you deeply as I lay you back gently on the bed, my hands roaming up your thighs, palms are sweaty, knees weak arms spaghetti
Bella: You're a...vampire.
Edward: bitch i might be
i love death he’s like what the fuck am i supposed to do with this
cis-siberianorchestra: Today I saw a Buddhist monk in his robes cracking himself up taking selfies with a cardboard cut out of the Pope. I’ve seen world peace, and it thinks it’s hilarious.
firebending-turtleducks: best-of-funny: hightimeslowtides: emilygt: dinosaurs-on-wheels: where can I uninstall my period i think if you download pregnancy it blocks it for a few months but then you get a really annoying loud pop up that doesn’t go away for 18 years omg X did you just promote yourself
Remember the internet when we were kids?
heydiddlehiddleston: REBLOG IF YOU REMEMBER ANY OF THESE Here are all the games’ links in order :) Bueno Rufus Barbie Swan Lake Game Bikini Bottom or Bust That’s so Raven Pinball Brandy and Mr. Whiskers- Style Diva A Sitch in Time- Present Sticky’s Mix Master Lizzie McGuire Dressup Babysit Baby Krissy Barbie Makeover Escalator Escape MyScene Room Makeover Helga’s Diary Black...